How can you help a grieving child? Share your memories of the parent they have lost.
I use to maintain a separate website for this, but I have consolidated all of my ideas here. Memory books are like scrapbooks for memories. You can fill the pages with whatever you want. There are no rules. It can be as short, or as long as you want. You can add to it as time passes on.
HOW TO MAKE A MEMORY BOOK: If you can, find a book with sheets that can be added. The easiest is the traditional three ring binder filled with sheet protectors. Anyone can contribute on an 8 ½” x 11″ piece of paper. Contributors can e-mail you their memories to print out and add to the book. Likewise, this paper size is easy to mail. You can also slip in condolence notes, sympathy cards, recipes, photographs and children’s drawings.
WHAT CAN YOU SAY?: This is the hardest part for many people, but it doesn’t have to be. Tell a child what your favorite thing was about their parent. How you met. Things you did together, what their favorite food/drink/dessert was, your favorite memory, what sports/animals/stores/books they liked, what you are going to miss the most, what you wish you could still do, If you have a photo, include it. Photos can be a good starting point to trigger memories. If you express yourself through visual arts, include it. It’s OK to say that you are sad that he/she is gone. More importantly, be glad that he/she has lived and touched your life in some way. Cherish your memories and let them live on for a grieving child in a memory book.
NEWLYWORDS: Recently, when our family lost a family member to Covid-19, and we weren’t able to gather together, I discovered a virtual memory book website – Newlywords -. This site is wonderful. You can e-mail friends and family and ask them to send you photos, essays, GIFs, collages and more, which you can then organize into a book that can be printed or distributed as a PDF to all the contributors. If contributors prefer, they can e-mail their contributions to the organizer to upload for them. It’s an easy – on line – way to collaborate and share the end result.
OTHER WAYS TO HELP:Now, there are also lots of web sites and apps available to help grieving families. From organizing meal trains, to helping with house hold chores, and providing updates. These are great resources, because keeping up with well wishers can be overwhelming, believe it or not. I have listed some of my favorites below.
Caring Bridge this is good website – with an app – that can help provide progress during a serious illness or any health journey. Well wishers can leave notes, which can be printed and put up on hospital walls and can also be downloaded and compiled into a pdf. Friends can sign up to do chores and coordinate to help with day to day errands, yard work, etc. It is private and ad free. One draw back is that the site asks for contributions to Caring Bridge. org – that can be misinterpreted as the family asking for money. One workaround for this it to let people know in their invitation to join – that no contribution is necessary. I have personally used this site for a few friends – and I made a contribution to underwrite the site – but it still puts people off. It does sync well between the site and the phone app.
Lots of Helping Hands is another good site – with an app – that has a care calendar to help coordinate household helps and visits. The organizer can post what is needed (from their phone or computer) and friends can take on a task. This prevents unexpected visits from well meaning well wishers appearing at the door when the visiting nurse is in the house, for example.
Meal Train lets friends coordinate a meal calendar to provide families with food. The idea is to prevent 20 lasagnas piling up in the freezer.
Sign up Genius is also good for group organizing and has templates for meal organizing
I also recommend putting a cooler out front for meal drop offs, so the family doesn’t have to come to the door.
What Friends Do is a website that helps good intentions become real world action. For people who want to help, but don’t know how. This site provides a calendar, fund raising, help registry, tips & ideas, a blog with updates, leave a note section, even team gear – all in one place. It is brimming with good ideas. Each team has a concierge who help coordinate everything for you – like your favorite organized friend.
FORGET ME NOT: One family I know handed out packets of Forget Me Not seeds at their mother’s memorial service. How I love this idea. Even if you aren’t a gardener and don’t want to sow seeds, this is the perfect symbolism for ideas to help keep memories alive. Your Forget Me Nots could be photos, letters, recipes, memories. As years go by, other memories and Forget Me Nots will come back to you. Don’t forget to continue to share. People can be afraid to mention a dead person – for fear of upsetting survivors. Don’t be. It is comforting to survivors to know that others still grieve and remember. When you don’t reminisce, remembering birthdays and anniversaries, survivors can think that you have forgotten.
As an example, my mother had a high school pen pal who looked me up after reading my wedding announcement in the paper twenty two years after my mother’s death. She sent me her packet of letters that she had received from my mother, way back when, which I devoured. I learned so much from those high school missives. What her handwriting looked like. What her favorite flower was (gardenia). What her favorite color was(blue). What her favorite ice cream flavor was.(coffee) As a grown woman, I realized that my mother’s favorites were the same as my own, and I felt a new connection to her memory. To hold in my hand, something she had written, was something I had never expected to ever be able to do.
There are no right or wrongs – maybe you would rather make a slide show or a movie. These are just some ideas, please share yours.
SAMPLES
How your mother loved the shore. She would pack up for the day with chairs, towels, lunch coolers, buckets, pails and umbrellas. She carried a beach bag that was filled with sun screen, chapstick, hair brushes, elastics, hats, needlepoint project and books – lots of books. She had a cart she loaded everything into from the car and rolled onto the sand while she held your hand. I will always think of her whenever I am at the beach on a sunny day.
Believe it or not, there really was an Easter Parade on Fifth Avenue when we were little. We would stroll down after church in our own easter finery, to watch the show, and belt out the Irving Berlin song, like we were Judy Garland. I will always remember think of your father whenever I hear that song.
MY STORY: I started the memory book project after September 11th, when so many children instantly lost a parent in my home town. I became a ward of New York State when I was nine years old and living in Manhattan. I was lucky enough to have family, friends and teachers who looked after me, stayed in touch with me, and shared their memories with me.